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23.02.2013, 05:31 - dsrcyzma - Rank 2 - 11 Posts
Just a wuss or others like me
Divorced, 45 year old male with a question on "Hearing Words". Been in a on/off again relationship with a female who doesn't see the need to tell me words of affirmation (way I look, if nice/sweet to her, any type of compliment in general). What she will say is " I am with you, why should I need to tell you". She was the one who wanted me to read the book 5 Love Languages but she still doesn't see my need, which is affirmation. Been in a on/off again relationship with a female who doesn't see the need to tell me words of affirmation (way I look, if nice/sweet to her, any type of compliment in general). What she will say is " I am with you, why should I need to tell you". She was the one who wanted me to read the book 5 Love Languages but she still doesn't see my need, which is affirmation. I mean you're not asking for anything over the top. What you are wanting is simple things that I think we all want out of all of our relationships and friendships. If you're showing your feelings and cares to her I think she should do the same.
Maybe she's just a bit different and has never been like that. I dont agree with teh whole "I am with you, who should I need to tell you " bs. Like you said,http://www.mamistad.co...ly/node/31#comment-264607, affrimation,http://man.04wm.com/fo...viewthread&tid=165125. It feels good to rehear those things. Even a small thing. Don't settle.
Divorced, 45 year old male with a question on "Hearing Words". Been in a on/off again relationship with a female who doesn't see the need to tell me words of affirmation (way I look, if nice/sweet to her, any type of compliment in general). What she will say is " I am with you, why should I need to tell you". She was the one who wanted me to read the book 5 Love Languages but she still doesn't see my need, which is affirmation. If she read the book and gave it to you, you'd think she'd have a clue about what the point of knowing the love language of your partner is--to adjust how you express love to each to translate, so to speak, into each other's native language. I'd vote for talk to her to point this out in a direct, but calm way. Also, maybe you could get her a copy of "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation" by Deborah Tannen. All relationships have give and take. So, you have to know what's a deal breaker for you.
If she shows affection w/o having to speak it, then that's how she is. If verbal means that much to you, then find someone who will be more vocal in expressing their feelings about you.
But honestly, the fact that you two are on/off and she isn't able to say simple things verbally about you and how she feels about you makes me think she has intimacy issues. People that have a fear of getting close seem to put up barriers. If you ever become serious with her, the lack of verbal communication may be the beginning of intimacy problems between you two.
look, I'm not familiar with the book you are referring to, but here goes.
You're never gonna get 100% what you want/need from a person. All relationships have give and take. So, you have to know what's a deal breaker for you.
If she shows affection w/o having to speak it, then that's how she is. If verbal means that much to you, then find someone who will be more vocal in expressing their feelings about you.
But honestly, the fact that you two are on/off and she isn't able to say simple things verbally about you and how she feels about you makes me think she has intimacy issues. People that have a fear of getting close seem to put up barriers. If you ever become serious with her, the lack of verbal communication may be the beginning of intimacy problems between you two.
Actually, the point of the book is to help each person in a relationship understand what their preferred languages of love are and understand each other better. Some people are lousy at expressing themselves verbally or don't feel valued when people give them verbal acknowledgements. That doesn't necessarily mean they fear intimacy; rather it indicates they express it in a way that mismatches their lover's, children's, parents', coworkers', etc. If a couple both understands the other's preference,wedding guest dresses, they can adjust how they express love, affection, regard, etc, so they both feel and understand that regard. Everyone does and can use all the 5 languages, each person just emphasizes them differently. Because all 5 are within everyone's capability, they can adjust.
I've found it useful in figuring out how to reward people on my team so the reward is meaningful to them. After all, it's just spinning your wheels to give a reward of a gift to a valued team members if gifts are insignificant to them, and they'd prefer verbal praise and recognition. I want them to feel great about themselves and their contribution, not just meh.
The red flag for the OP is this woman apparently missed the point about making adjustments to accomodate his love language. Then get her to read it, if she is still to thick. Then if i were you id reevaluate weather you want to be with her. Or play games and stop doing acts of service and when she asks give her the whole excuse she gave you. But generally games are bad, so that would be a last resort.
And no your not a wuss im like you, my love language apparently is words of affirmation, if im remembering correctly. There is nothing wrong in wanting your partner to express that they want you, especially if you are doing the things that they need/want.
Ethan, I am in such a relationship,short cocktail dresses. My SO is not quite assertive enough to come out and say he doesn't see the need to tell me positive things,cheap prom dresses. My primary is physical touch, with words and quality time in a close second,http://www.nnjcjc.com/plus/view.php?aid=16591. His primary is acts of service. I think over time it is possible to make this work but it takes effort from both people. If she doesn't want to try then I don't know what else you can do.
My situation is making me really aggravated, and I feel rejected pretty frequently due to the mismatch. He has some great qualities so I'm trying to see if I can adapt somehow. Don't know if it will work.
Ethan, I am in such a relationship. My SO is not quite assertive enough to come out and say he doesn't see the need to tell me positive things. My primary is physical touch, with words and quality time in a close second. His primary is acts of service. I think over time it is possible to make this work but it takes effort from both people. If she doesn't want to try then I don't know what else you can do.
My situation is making me really aggravated, and I feel rejected pretty frequently due to the mismatch. He has some great qualities so I'm trying to see if I can adapt somehow. Don't know if it will work.